Genuine Feeling or Am I Just A Bitch?

I'm going to confess something.  I'm afraid of what others think when it comes to my personal life.  I don't care what they think of me when it comes to my kids, or how I live my life.  But when it comes to a certain person in my past....well, suddenly I'm thrown back to high school.

K and I dated four times our sophomore year of HS, and even in college we got together for a few months, until a traumatic event in 1985 had me very bitter and angry toward him.  Fast forward to 1993, and he tried to contact me.  I refused.

Classmates dot com arrived in 2006, and two years later I looked him up and publicly invited him to come see me at one of my first book signings.  He didn't show, and I was relieved.

He wasn't at any of our class reunions, but in 2011 or 12, we friended each other on Facebook.  I can't remember if I sent the friend request or if he did.  Anyway, we started chatting, and I finally worked up the courage to ask about that incident in '85.  Turns out we were both the victims of his mother, who for whatever reason, decided she didn't like me, and sabotaged our relationship.

A mini reunion several months later was organized, and I was prepared to see him, but a mild stroke left him unable to attend.  He did recover from it, and I let him know the arrangements for the 25th.

When I went home for Spring Break, I thought I saw him, and texted him.  He called me, and I got off the phone asap, since I wasn't ready to see him in person yet.

The weekend of the reunion, I was petrified!  I wanted to look nice, and when I arrived and saw him, my heart skipped, but pretended not to notice him until I looked up and acted surprised to see him.  Later he came over and we talked, albeit slightly awkwardly, since I thought maybe people were whispering about us.

Reason being, when my BFF arrived, I happened to be on that side of the patio, taking pictures and chatting.  So it was only natural that I went over and greeted him.  But later, as I was talking to one of the snooty girls, she was rather catty about her remark.  "I saw you run over when B arrived..."

1)  I did NOT 'run over'.

2)  We're FRIENDS!  He was genuinely HAPPY to see me!

Later, after people began to leave, K invited me to join him at his table, so I did and he stated he'd managed to save back 'a lot' of money.  I said, "Good for you.", then his friend Anne and I began swapping menapause stories and strange sex stories.  K acted like 'Holy Hell, what have I gotten myself into?"

When the bar closed, I headed out in one direction, and they the other.  I didn't know if I'd see them the next day or not, but was hopeful.

That night, I woke up at 4am and could NOT go back to sleep!  Toured the school, then showed up at the reunion.  Texted him, but he was in Frankfort, signing a new contract.  

Another month went by; I let him know I was coming home, and he stated he was dating one of the girls who had been in our circle of friends in HS.  We didn't get together, but for some reason his dating her bothered me.

I began to wonder if I'd missed a clue or something,...I also didn't understand my reaction.  I had NO desire to revisit that history, so why did I care who he dated?  But I found myself visiting both of their FB pages each week, to see if they were still 'on'.

Thanksgiving night, I logged on and saw they're now engaged.  And I'm STILL bothered, though I'd come to terms with it about three months ago.  So why the hell is it still bothering me????

Do I just want what I can't have, since THEY aren't getting any backlash gossip from it?  Or am I so damned unhappy that I'll even consider revisiting that particular history, even though it squiks me out to even THINK about it?

Authors Are Readers Too!

Just had my hand figuratively slapped....twice.

My first infractions was when I picked a winner for a release day contest, and being the fair-minded soul that I am, I let random.org pick the winner.  And my winner happened to be another author.

Up popped a comment that she wasn't eligible; this contest was for 'readers and new people'.  So I guess my efforts to win any of the prizes are in vain?

My 2nd infraction was a conversation on on one of my posts.  One of the other authors was curious about my world building, and I guess our conversation went a bit over my time.  I'm sorry; for the first 15 minutes of 'my time', I had to deal with people still commenting on other threads, so *blows raspberry*

Okay, that's a bit childish.

A PM popped up, asking me if she and I would take our conversation elsewhere.  No big deal, right?  In fact, I needed to get off so I can go get ink for the printer.

No, what stung is the fact I got my fingers slapped twice within the span of five minutes.

Now you know why I don't throw release parties on social media.

OMG...Shut UP Already!

I found out about an 'incident' in our town by accident.  I was curious about someone's opinion and went to their page and scrolled down too much.  Now this issue is gaining momentum and EVERYONE is jumping on the bandwagon.

Why?

Because the Powers That Be, or rather, the parent committee who makes up the rules for a specific school event, has decided not to allow the gay community to attend with their same sex partners. And someone who is alumnus happens to be a writer for a popular online magazine.

One of my friends is appalled and is trying to spread the word.  This apparently has caused some backlash and she has been called ignorant, selfish, and jealous.

Another friend found out and thinks the issue means 'traditional' equals the Victorian era style clothing, or that couples will be doing more than swapping spit or dancing suggestively.

If you want to bring your same sex partner to the dance, each take a decoy, then spend the dance as a foursome.  As long as you conduct yourselves appropriately, everyone's happy.  At the stroke of midnight, share a private kiss with your SO, or at least have your decoys BLOCK you from view of any disapproving chaperons.

What?  But I'm being *gasp* hypocritical??

I get the law has been changed.  I also know it was forced on us.  Our lawmakers decided that every county should choose which were going to issue the licenses, and that another lawyer got it stopped and sent to the Supreme Court for appeal.  And our US Supreme Court chickened out and threw it out, simply because they didn't want to deal with ours and 6 other states' issues.  So yes, it has been forced upon us.

We don't have to like it, and we certainly don't have to approve.

But what we DO have is the right to choose how our children are exposed to the issue.

We can accept the fact the GLBT community exists.  They are no longer 'in the closet' or 'hidden'.

It is forbidden in Biblical Law....but so are a number of other issues that are now mainstream.  I'm not disputing that.

Why not have two events, one for the GLBT and the 'traditional'?  Oh wait, that's segregation....

So while I see no answer to this issue, I AM tired of it cluttering up my feed.  I've expressed my views, and I guess that does make me somewhat of a hypocrite.  But do I get angry and throw things if I happen to see a same-sex couple holding hands/kissing?  No, I turn away.  I don't need to see it.

I have gay friends, and there are some gay celebrities I like.  I don't have to agree with their lifestyle, and don't care to have it flaunted in my face.  If my gay friend decides to marry her partner, I inwardly cringe, but outwardly say 'congratulations'.

Because keeping my friend is better than losing her by trying to change her mind or slamming her lifestyle every time we meet.

Friendship, or acceptance, means you don't always have to see eye to eye.  We can agree to disagree.

So back to the event:  If they change the rules and allow the GLBT couples?  The hetero couples can decide whether or not to attend.  Or even decide next year to do something different.

Personally, I hope they don't change it.  But that's my hypocrisy showing.  And I'm tired of hearing about it.

Am I OCD?

This summer has been especially hard on me.  I joke that I have OCD, because I like certain things done a certain way, and when I catch myself being mad for no reason, I laugh it off, claiming my OCD is showing.

But I wonder, have I been like this my entire life and am just now noticing it?

I remember once, when I was younger, thinking that if I went around the house one way (we had a circular floor plan), then I had to return the other way, ala 'unwinding'.  Thankfully, that didn't last long.

In college, I took a loose leaf notebook and alphabetized my entire cassette tape collection.  I later did this with my 45 and LP records.  I have NOT done this with my CDs.  I also kept track of the AT Top 100 every year, and got upset when a friend chose to take a pen and circle her favorite songs.  Couldn't she have used a PENCIL?  Or even taken a blank page and written down her choices?

When we moved to our new home in Paragon, I had *my way* of loading the dishwasher, and yes, would rearrange it if someone else loaded it.  And yes, the family laughed at me.

I HATE the way my hubby hangs his towel.  As a result, it got washed more often, so I could fold it *properly* and everything would *match*.  I also made sure the towels matched, before we got our current bath sheets.

I had my knick-knacks arranged *just so* and my books were in some sort of order.  It really bugged me when the stepdaughter borrowed several of my DS books, then promptly lost them when she couldn't afford her storage locker any longer.  I'm looking forward to the day when I can put my entire book collection on shelves and replace the ones I know are missing.

But since we've been down here, all that seems minor.  It drives me crazy when the kids put back the dishes *out of order*, same with the tupperware/gladware storage containers.  Can't they follow a freaking PATTERN?

Toilet Paper:  I like the rolls to be stacked a certain way, and yes, if the right-hand one has been taken off instead of the left, I'll slide the left one over.

Dishes Washed:  I like them done in this order:  Cups, silverware, plates/bowls, then pots and pans.  My huibby does plates first and silverware last.  So I grit my teeth if he's washing and I'm drying.  So I do them the majority of the time.

Bath Towels:  We have the grandkids staying with us for the summer, and I assigned each a set of towels.  Granddaughter uses hers, no problem.  But I KNOW grandson has showered/bathed, and his towel still hangs there, unused.  I find the bath sheets of other family members down the laundry chute or in the basket, and I KNOW that person hadn't showered yet.  Another issue I find is when my older son comes home to shower.  He seems to do it 50% of the time just as I've thrown his bath sheet into the washer or dryer.  So he uses his old one, that is half the size.  Not really a problem, but it bugs me.  Why?  I'm not sure.

Cups Used:  This one usually only crops up in the summer, when I have multiple kids in my home.  I assign each one their own SOLO cup, with names written on them.  That prevents kids from not knowing which cup they've used and getting out another.  One day every damn glass in my cabinet showed up on the sink counter after dinner.  Why?  There aren't that many people in the house!  Turned out the oldest grandkids kept 'forgetting' what color cup they had, so got out a new one.  GRRRRRRR........

Sugar Packets:  I figured out how many Sweet-n-Lows it took for us each morning, so I set out the appropriate amount, and it bugs me when someone else throws down a handful.

My closet is sort of color-coordinated, and I have everything arranged *just so*.

My kids laugh at me when I text, because I use correct spellings, unless I'm in a hurry to get it sent.  And another thing that drives me crazy is when a certain author responds on FB with 'text-speak'.  "Ur welcome'-ugh!  Can't you type 'you're'?

So what's the verdict?  Do I have a mild form, or is this just my psyche's way of maintaining order in my current chaotic household?

Gag Me With A Spoon

Saw something alarming yesterday.  A plus-sized author posted pics of herself in a bikini.

Now I'm all for wearing whatever in the privacy of your own home, and by all means, if you feel confident enough to wear said clothing, by all means.

Personally, I lack that type of confidence.  Oh, I'll wear an outfit that I feel perfectly fine in, and my mirror agrees.....until I see a picture and my jaw drops.  Why the hell didn't someone tell me I looked like a heifer before I left the house?  Or suggest another accessory/blouse/skirt/pants/entire wardrobe change?  Oh yeah....I'm the only one in the house with any type of fashion sense.

I think the last time I wore a bikini was before child #1 was born.  I didn't like my poufy tummy, so I covered it up with a good tank suit.  And think I looked damn good back then.  After child #2 arrived, I could no longer fit into that suit, so bought another.  And was fine in that.  But after #3 arrived, and money was tight, I had to buy a regular tank, and am more comfortable wearing shorts over my lower half, until I could afford a better one.

I'm appalled by women of a certain age and weight who try to look twenty years younger.  I don't want to see my grandma in a string bikini, and frankly, neither would you.

So is this just me?  If you have flabby arms, cover them up!  If you can't wear a bra with a certain shirt, wear a cardigan over it.  Layer, for god's sake!

WTG Indiana!

The last week of June, Indiana finally weighed in on the same-sex marriage law.  They adopted it, but left it up to the individual counties to decide whether or not they would issue 'marriage' licenses.

A day later, a neighboring county clerk was taken to task because she chose NOT to issue a license, stating it went against her personal beliefs.  I was happy to see someone stick to their guns.

Two days later, an emergency Stop was ordered (can't remember what it's called), and ALL counties were told to quit until the courts could hammer it out.

This week (July 9th, I think), the court ruled all 'marriages' after June 28th were no longer valid.  My pro-GLBT friends are incensed; I couldn't be more happy.

Why?  Marriage = 1 Man + 1 Woman.

As previously stated, I have NOTHING against the GLBT community.  Have a civil union, be monogamous, adopt kids.  But don't call it 'marriage'.

Am I Doing The Right Thing?

Not sure if I'm breaching etiquette here or not, but I told Company A if I didn't hear news about a project by a certain date (week of 6/28), I was going to consider the project scrapped.  Received permission from Company C (Company B is no longer in business, yay!) to repitch, so I did.

Twelve hours after I re-pitched, an email arrived, accepting my project.

Now I'm torn:  Do I tell A it's been repitched, or do I wait to see if C declines it, then accept A's offer?

As far as I'm concerned, A had their chance, and C's schedule is more timely, should they accept the proposal.

Is this a breach of professional etiquette?  Or am I well within my rights to do this?

Finished!

Just a continuation of last post....I finally finished that book, and while I enjoyed the characters and seeing how they fell in love, it dragged on just a wee bit too much.  I skimmed most of it, looking for a resolution to one of the issues, and was relieved when it ended.

Don't get me wrong; I'm all for the roller coaster of relationships.  But sometimes there can be too much drama.  And boy does this one have it in spades!

Big relief I read it; now onto other books.

Another WTH Moment in Reading....

Currently reading an author friend's book and while I'm enjoying the story, I had a 'WTF' moment with one of the characters.  First of all, her reaction to the the new guy in her life made me feel as if I've read this before, and then it hit me:  She's almost an exact clone of B, in series finale, only it doesn't quite end as happily.  I don't know why this author feels the need to get her teenagers so wrapped up in these dysfunctional characters so much they lose their sense of self.  Yes, my characters end up in dysfunctional relationships, but they never fully lose their sense of self.

These two girls end up with their lives centering around their a**holes of men, so exclusively, I'm surprised they don't ask permission to breathe.  The guy snaps his fingers; they fall at their feet.

The adults aren't much better.  I enjoyed book #1, and the fact the H/H got together, broke up several times, then ended up together again.  Book #2 continued the course through marriage-but wait-they didn't get there?  A child was conceived, but insecurity reigned supreme.  Book #3 arrived, and how they learned to coparent and date others, while still wanting to be together, but yet still afraid to explore that option.  I was ready to jump into the story, tear a few heads off, and lock them in a room until they worked it out.  #4 was about siblings, which gave me a nice 'breather', but still drove me crazy with all the complications.  I cried over a death, yes.  And think I've skipped #5 and 6 because I can't stand those characters, nor do I care about them.  I was given the finale, so it was nice to read about their kids and see the adults acting like adults.

This particular H/H was not mentioned, so it is nice to see some back story.  The sister just drove me crazy (and the mother-do NOT get me started on her!  OMG...) if it wasn't for the fact my kindle is only a few months old, I'd have hurled the device across the room.

Sorry; just had to get this out of my system.

Sore Tongue

Back in November, I went on a wonderful Women's Retreat with my church.  At the end of the weekend, I decided it was time to try RCIA again, and formally 'reaffirm' my faith in Christ.  I joined the class and am enjoying the studies.

In January, my rebellious nature took hold of me, and instead of announcing my intention 'to know God' (I've known Him for 40+years) or 'Be baptized' (I was baptized at 3 months old), I announced 'Reaffirmation of faith' when Fr Dave asked me what is it I wished.  Just wanted to throw a little more diversity to the answers.

NOWHERE have I expressed a desire to 'become Catholic'.  My intention is to formally join the Catholic Church as a strong Protestant, so I have a home church again (I've been 'purged' from Covenant's records, since I'm no longer a tithing member) and can take Communion.  Is this too hypocritical?

One of the updates, about the infallibility of the Church, was extremely helpful in this decision.  I took it to mean that while the Church has rules, I do not necessarily have to agree with them.  As long as I don't publicly denounce anything, I'm good.  And that's not my nature, so okay there.

But I've had to bite my tongue on a few discussions, especially this past Sunday, when we talked about prayers.  I happen to be someone who offers up tiny prayers all day long, and find The Rosary boring.  In fact, some of the prayers during the service have been 'just words to get through'.  They have little or no meaning.  And I had to bite my tongue when one of the leaders passed out 'special prayers' for different circumstances.

It just proves my point several years back, when I realized Catholics are soooo caught up in doing things 'right'.  We even changed some of the words in prayers 'because we'd mis-quoted'.  Who cares?  It's the SPIRIT of the service that matters, not the exact words.  Geez.

Hopefully my tongue won't be too sore by Easter.