Saturday, February 13, 2016

RIP 'Baby'

I saw something last night which has left me in unbelievable pain.  I can't explain it; it's not logical, yet it's as if I was held hostage and forced to watch one of my kids being mistreated, and not being able to do a thing about it.

And the dumb thing?  It apparently happened five years ago.

Growing up, I had a tiny baby doll.  It didn't have a name (that I can remember, anyway!).  Somehow, its eyes lost their color, so I treated this doll as blind, even referring to it as 'My Blind Baby Doll'.  I treated it extra-special.

Over the years, it was left in a toy box with my other prized dollies and stuffed animals, and I'd given this particular baby a crocheted dress, and since it was a 'baby', I'd made it a green diaper, from the material of one of my mom's cast off prom dresses.

(Can you tell this was a special doll?  LOL!)

So imagine my horror last night, as I'm going through picture files on my computer, and came across a video of my daughter and a friend in 2011.  The first thing I saw was them holding my doll and walking down the county road near my parents' house.  At first, I thought they were going to toss my doll into the ditch; at one point, it looks as if they're going to take off the 'diaper' (it didn't have the cream dress on), but don't.

Then my baby is dropped, and all I could whisper was 'Nooooo', as I think they're going to stomp on her.  But they pick her up....hold her 'blind face' to the camera (I didn't have the audio on, so I'm guessing they were treating her as 'possessed' or something), and continue on to the bridge over our small creek.

A holds my baby suspended over the railing, then casually drops her into the water.  I watch, helpless and in shock, as my cherished doll slowly drifts downstream.  The camera panned to the other side as she drifts into view, then appears to drift toward the creek bank.

My hopes rise a little.  Will they go get her?

Then my heart sinks as the water spins her around and forces her downstream.  My daughter and her friend walk away.

Shocked, I tried to tell my spouse, but he was sound asleep. I continued going through the other pictures, until he woke up and asked what I was doing.  Needing to share my shocked discovery, I told him, then began getting emotional.

How can I unsee this?  Imagine you observed your child carelessly toss one of YOUR treasured childhood toys over a bridge.  Observe your dogs shredding an heirloom quilt.  Or an original Teddy Bear.

As I lay in bed, sobbing, my spouse spoke again.

"Maybe you need to try not to think about it."

Excuse me?

It was late at night; if this had happened to him, he'd have everyone in the house awake with his yelling!  Be happy that all I was doing was sobbing my eyes out!

I dried my tears and tried to fall asleep, but when I awoke this morning, it all came back when I heard my daughter moving around.

I told her about the video, and she didn't remember doing anything like that.  I booted up the desk top and found it; after watching it (and with me in tears all over again with fresh pain), she claims she still doesn't remember it.

Do I believe her?  I don't know.

Am I just transferring the pain of July 31, 2014?  Maybe.  I couldn't cry about that, but I can cry about this.

Am I just being an emotional, irrational female?  Who knows?

I don't even know what to do with the video, so I'm posting it here.  

Dear Blind Baby Doll:

I'm so sorry I raised a child who disrespected me in this manner.  You did not deserve this watery end five years ago; you were a beloved doll who held a special place in my heart 40+ years ago, and was hoping to reconnect with you again one day.  I believed you to be in a storage box, not lost forever.  I hope someone found you and gave you a new home; or if you're floating in the ocean, you will be found someday.

My heart is broken

Your childhood mommy