I'm going to confess something. I'm afraid of what others think when it comes to my personal life. I don't care what they think of me when it comes to my kids, or how I live my life. But when it comes to a certain person in my past....well, suddenly I'm thrown back to high school.
K and I dated four times our sophomore year of HS, and even in college we got together for a few months, until a traumatic event in 1985 had me very bitter and angry toward him. Fast forward to 1993, and he tried to contact me. I refused.
Classmates dot com arrived in 2006, and two years later I looked him up and publicly invited him to come see me at one of my first book signings. He didn't show, and I was relieved.
He wasn't at any of our class reunions, but in 2011 or 12, we friended each other on Facebook. I can't remember if I sent the friend request or if he did. Anyway, we started chatting, and I finally worked up the courage to ask about that incident in '85. Turns out we were both the victims of his mother, who for whatever reason, decided she didn't like me, and sabotaged our relationship.
A mini reunion several months later was organized, and I was prepared to see him, but a mild stroke left him unable to attend. He did recover from it, and I let him know the arrangements for the 25th.
When I went home for Spring Break, I thought I saw him, and texted him. He called me, and I got off the phone asap, since I wasn't ready to see him in person yet.
The weekend of the reunion, I was petrified! I wanted to look nice, and when I arrived and saw him, my heart skipped, but pretended not to notice him until I looked up and acted surprised to see him. Later he came over and we talked, albeit slightly awkwardly, since I thought maybe people were whispering about us.
Reason being, when my BFF arrived, I happened to be on that side of the patio, taking pictures and chatting. So it was only natural that I went over and greeted him. But later, as I was talking to one of the snooty girls, she was rather catty about her remark. "I saw you run over when B arrived..."
1) I did NOT 'run over'.
2) We're FRIENDS! He was genuinely HAPPY to see me!
Later, after people began to leave, K invited me to join him at his table, so I did and he stated he'd managed to save back 'a lot' of money. I said, "Good for you.", then his friend Anne and I began swapping menapause stories and strange sex stories. K acted like 'Holy Hell, what have I gotten myself into?"
When the bar closed, I headed out in one direction, and they the other. I didn't know if I'd see them the next day or not, but was hopeful.
That night, I woke up at 4am and could NOT go back to sleep! Toured the school, then showed up at the reunion. Texted him, but he was in Frankfort, signing a new contract.
Another month went by; I let him know I was coming home, and he stated he was dating one of the girls who had been in our circle of friends in HS. We didn't get together, but for some reason his dating her bothered me.
I began to wonder if I'd missed a clue or something,...I also didn't understand my reaction. I had NO desire to revisit that history, so why did I care who he dated? But I found myself visiting both of their FB pages each week, to see if they were still 'on'.
Thanksgiving night, I logged on and saw they're now engaged. And I'm STILL bothered, though I'd come to terms with it about three months ago. So why the hell is it still bothering me????
Do I just want what I can't have, since THEY aren't getting any backlash gossip from it? Or am I so damned unhappy that I'll even consider revisiting that particular history, even though it squiks me out to even THINK about it?