RIP 'Baby'

I saw something last night which has left me in unbelievable pain.  I can't explain it; it's not logical, yet it's as if I was held hostage and forced to watch one of my kids being mistreated, and not being able to do a thing about it.

And the dumb thing?  It apparently happened five years ago.

Growing up, I had a tiny baby doll.  It didn't have a name (that I can remember, anyway!).  Somehow, its eyes lost their color, so I treated this doll as blind, even referring to it as 'My Blind Baby Doll'.  I treated it extra-special.

Over the years, it was left in a toy box with my other prized dollies and stuffed animals, and I'd given this particular baby a crocheted dress, and since it was a 'baby', I'd made it a green diaper, from the material of one of my mom's cast off prom dresses.

(Can you tell this was a special doll?  LOL!)

So imagine my horror last night, as I'm going through picture files on my computer, and came across a video of my daughter and a friend in 2011.  The first thing I saw was them holding my doll and walking down the county road near my parents' house.  At first, I thought they were going to toss my doll into the ditch; at one point, it looks as if they're going to take off the 'diaper' (it didn't have the cream dress on), but don't.

Then my baby is dropped, and all I could whisper was 'Nooooo', as I think they're going to stomp on her.  But they pick her up....hold her 'blind face' to the camera (I didn't have the audio on, so I'm guessing they were treating her as 'possessed' or something), and continue on to the bridge over our small creek.

A holds my baby suspended over the railing, then casually drops her into the water.  I watch, helpless and in shock, as my cherished doll slowly drifts downstream.  The camera panned to the other side as she drifts into view, then appears to drift toward the creek bank.

My hopes rise a little.  Will they go get her?

Then my heart sinks as the water spins her around and forces her downstream.  My daughter and her friend walk away.

Shocked, I tried to tell my spouse, but he was sound asleep. I continued going through the other pictures, until he woke up and asked what I was doing.  Needing to share my shocked discovery, I told him, then began getting emotional.

How can I unsee this?  Imagine you observed your child carelessly toss one of YOUR treasured childhood toys over a bridge.  Observe your dogs shredding an heirloom quilt.  Or an original Teddy Bear.

As I lay in bed, sobbing, my spouse spoke again.

"Maybe you need to try not to think about it."

Excuse me?

It was late at night; if this had happened to him, he'd have everyone in the house awake with his yelling!  Be happy that all I was doing was sobbing my eyes out!

I dried my tears and tried to fall asleep, but when I awoke this morning, it all came back when I heard my daughter moving around.

I told her about the video, and she didn't remember doing anything like that.  I booted up the desk top and found it; after watching it (and with me in tears all over again with fresh pain), she claims she still doesn't remember it.

Do I believe her?  I don't know.

Am I just transferring the pain of July 31, 2014?  Maybe.  I couldn't cry about that, but I can cry about this.

Am I just being an emotional, irrational female?  Who knows?

I don't even know what to do with the video, so I'm posting it here.  

Dear Blind Baby Doll:

I'm so sorry I raised a child who disrespected me in this manner.  You did not deserve this watery end five years ago; you were a beloved doll who held a special place in my heart 40+ years ago, and was hoping to reconnect with you again one day.  I believed you to be in a storage box, not lost forever.  I hope someone found you and gave you a new home; or if you're floating in the ocean, you will be found someday.

My heart is broken

Love,
Your childhood mommy

Really????

Welcome to Rant #17 (at least by my count!)

We all know by now my beloved publisher closed its doors.  Was I pissed?  Hell yes!  But I soon got over it and learned how to upload my already published books to KDP.  In fact, I can now do it in about half the  time it took me the first time.  Did you catch that?  I learned. 

Yes, it helped I was given back my covers, both electronic and print, in order to make this process somewhat easier.

Then today, four weeks after that fateful day, I came across the above meme on FB.

It pissed me off.

I'll admit, the person who created it has every right to be upset.  But  I'll bet she didn't consider the fact this event we've all seen our friend and former publisher at had to be paid for nearly six months in advance.  So September....August....July....June....May....April....March.....Did any of us have any idea this was going to happen last spring?

I certainly didn't.

So while I'm giving the the ole 'eye-roll' and 'okay, be bitter about this' treatment, I'm also choosing to continue my self-pubbing route, as well as finding another publisher (I have two or three in mind!) for the rest of my books.  I'm also in contact with others who can help me create a back cover for the books I want to get into print.

There is always a choice:  You can be bitter and angry, or you can move on and make the best of it.

I think it's clear which path I've chosen.

Sad Day.....

My country has lost its mind.

First the Supreme Court ruled Gay Marriage is legal.

Then someone walked into a South Carolina church and killed 9 people.

Following that, an illegal alien shot a woman in San Francisco.

What happened afterward?
-The GLBT community rejoiced, as expected, but now on social media, if you dare to say you don't agree with the ruling, you're slammed/denounce/called 'racist'.

-Someone claimed the Confederate flag was to blame, so all of a sudden, Dukes of Hazard reruns are no longer being shown on TV Land.

-South Carolina caved to pressure and signed a bill yesterday which brought down the Rebel Flag and put it into storage.  I even heard some idiotic talk about digging up Confederate Leaders and denouncing their victories, plus I guess someone even wanted the Stone Mountain Monument removed/renamed/whatever.

Yes, I believe Biblical principles are coming to light.

Suddenly every politician is jumping on the bandwagon, and those of us who WERE NEVER OFFENDED IN THE FIRST PLACE are being told to 'shut up'.

Trump is being very vocal about the issues, and saying things we're all probably thinking, only it's not 'PC' to say so.  Kudos to him.  Maybe he is what this country needs; maybe he's the AntiChrist.  I don't know.  Will he make it to the primary?  Is his sole reason for throwing his hat into the ring just so the views of the silent majority will be heard?

Oh yeah....and Bruce Jenner had a sex change and is now 'Caitlyn'.....my only question now is, why is s/he so UGLY?

Genuine Feeling or Am I Just A Bitch?

I'm going to confess something.  I'm afraid of what others think when it comes to my personal life.  I don't care what they think of me when it comes to my kids, or how I live my life.  But when it comes to a certain person in my past....well, suddenly I'm thrown back to high school.

K and I dated four times our sophomore year of HS, and even in college we got together for a few months, until a traumatic event in 1985 had me very bitter and angry toward him.  Fast forward to 1993, and he tried to contact me.  I refused.

Classmates dot com arrived in 2006, and two years later I looked him up and publicly invited him to come see me at one of my first book signings.  He didn't show, and I was relieved.

He wasn't at any of our class reunions, but in 2011 or 12, we friended each other on Facebook.  I can't remember if I sent the friend request or if he did.  Anyway, we started chatting, and I finally worked up the courage to ask about that incident in '85.  Turns out we were both the victims of his mother, who for whatever reason, decided she didn't like me, and sabotaged our relationship.

A mini reunion several months later was organized, and I was prepared to see him, but a mild stroke left him unable to attend.  He did recover from it, and I let him know the arrangements for the 25th.

When I went home for Spring Break, I thought I saw him, and texted him.  He called me, and I got off the phone asap, since I wasn't ready to see him in person yet.

The weekend of the reunion, I was petrified!  I wanted to look nice, and when I arrived and saw him, my heart skipped, but pretended not to notice him until I looked up and acted surprised to see him.  Later he came over and we talked, albeit slightly awkwardly, since I thought maybe people were whispering about us.

Reason being, when my BFF arrived, I happened to be on that side of the patio, taking pictures and chatting.  So it was only natural that I went over and greeted him.  But later, as I was talking to one of the snooty girls, she was rather catty about her remark.  "I saw you run over when B arrived..."

1)  I did NOT 'run over'.

2)  We're FRIENDS!  He was genuinely HAPPY to see me!

Later, after people began to leave, K invited me to join him at his table, so I did and he stated he'd managed to save back 'a lot' of money.  I said, "Good for you.", then his friend Anne and I began swapping menapause stories and strange sex stories.  K acted like 'Holy Hell, what have I gotten myself into?"

When the bar closed, I headed out in one direction, and they the other.  I didn't know if I'd see them the next day or not, but was hopeful.

That night, I woke up at 4am and could NOT go back to sleep!  Toured the school, then showed up at the reunion.  Texted him, but he was in Frankfort, signing a new contract.  

Another month went by; I let him know I was coming home, and he stated he was dating one of the girls who had been in our circle of friends in HS.  We didn't get together, but for some reason his dating her bothered me.

I began to wonder if I'd missed a clue or something,...I also didn't understand my reaction.  I had NO desire to revisit that history, so why did I care who he dated?  But I found myself visiting both of their FB pages each week, to see if they were still 'on'.

Thanksgiving night, I logged on and saw they're now engaged.  And I'm STILL bothered, though I'd come to terms with it about three months ago.  So why the hell is it still bothering me????

Do I just want what I can't have, since THEY aren't getting any backlash gossip from it?  Or am I so damned unhappy that I'll even consider revisiting that particular history, even though it squiks me out to even THINK about it?

Authors Are Readers Too!

Just had my hand figuratively slapped....twice.

My first infractions was when I picked a winner for a release day contest, and being the fair-minded soul that I am, I let random.org pick the winner.  And my winner happened to be another author.

Up popped a comment that she wasn't eligible; this contest was for 'readers and new people'.  So I guess my efforts to win any of the prizes are in vain?

My 2nd infraction was a conversation on on one of my posts.  One of the other authors was curious about my world building, and I guess our conversation went a bit over my time.  I'm sorry; for the first 15 minutes of 'my time', I had to deal with people still commenting on other threads, so *blows raspberry*

Okay, that's a bit childish.

A PM popped up, asking me if she and I would take our conversation elsewhere.  No big deal, right?  In fact, I needed to get off so I can go get ink for the printer.

No, what stung is the fact I got my fingers slapped twice within the span of five minutes.

Now you know why I don't throw release parties on social media.

OMG...Shut UP Already!

I found out about an 'incident' in our town by accident.  I was curious about someone's opinion and went to their page and scrolled down too much.  Now this issue is gaining momentum and EVERYONE is jumping on the bandwagon.

Why?

Because the Powers That Be, or rather, the parent committee who makes up the rules for a specific school event, has decided not to allow the gay community to attend with their same sex partners. And someone who is alumnus happens to be a writer for a popular online magazine.

One of my friends is appalled and is trying to spread the word.  This apparently has caused some backlash and she has been called ignorant, selfish, and jealous.

Another friend found out and thinks the issue means 'traditional' equals the Victorian era style clothing, or that couples will be doing more than swapping spit or dancing suggestively.

If you want to bring your same sex partner to the dance, each take a decoy, then spend the dance as a foursome.  As long as you conduct yourselves appropriately, everyone's happy.  At the stroke of midnight, share a private kiss with your SO, or at least have your decoys BLOCK you from view of any disapproving chaperons.

What?  But I'm being *gasp* hypocritical??

I get the law has been changed.  I also know it was forced on us.  Our lawmakers decided that every county should choose which were going to issue the licenses, and that another lawyer got it stopped and sent to the Supreme Court for appeal.  And our US Supreme Court chickened out and threw it out, simply because they didn't want to deal with ours and 6 other states' issues.  So yes, it has been forced upon us.

We don't have to like it, and we certainly don't have to approve.

But what we DO have is the right to choose how our children are exposed to the issue.

We can accept the fact the GLBT community exists.  They are no longer 'in the closet' or 'hidden'.

It is forbidden in Biblical Law....but so are a number of other issues that are now mainstream.  I'm not disputing that.

Why not have two events, one for the GLBT and the 'traditional'?  Oh wait, that's segregation....

So while I see no answer to this issue, I AM tired of it cluttering up my feed.  I've expressed my views, and I guess that does make me somewhat of a hypocrite.  But do I get angry and throw things if I happen to see a same-sex couple holding hands/kissing?  No, I turn away.  I don't need to see it.

I have gay friends, and there are some gay celebrities I like.  I don't have to agree with their lifestyle, and don't care to have it flaunted in my face.  If my gay friend decides to marry her partner, I inwardly cringe, but outwardly say 'congratulations'.

Because keeping my friend is better than losing her by trying to change her mind or slamming her lifestyle every time we meet.

Friendship, or acceptance, means you don't always have to see eye to eye.  We can agree to disagree.

So back to the event:  If they change the rules and allow the GLBT couples?  The hetero couples can decide whether or not to attend.  Or even decide next year to do something different.

Personally, I hope they don't change it.  But that's my hypocrisy showing.  And I'm tired of hearing about it.

Am I OCD?

This summer has been especially hard on me.  I joke that I have OCD, because I like certain things done a certain way, and when I catch myself being mad for no reason, I laugh it off, claiming my OCD is showing.

But I wonder, have I been like this my entire life and am just now noticing it?

I remember once, when I was younger, thinking that if I went around the house one way (we had a circular floor plan), then I had to return the other way, ala 'unwinding'.  Thankfully, that didn't last long.

In college, I took a loose leaf notebook and alphabetized my entire cassette tape collection.  I later did this with my 45 and LP records.  I have NOT done this with my CDs.  I also kept track of the AT Top 100 every year, and got upset when a friend chose to take a pen and circle her favorite songs.  Couldn't she have used a PENCIL?  Or even taken a blank page and written down her choices?

When we moved to our new home in Paragon, I had *my way* of loading the dishwasher, and yes, would rearrange it if someone else loaded it.  And yes, the family laughed at me.

I HATE the way my hubby hangs his towel.  As a result, it got washed more often, so I could fold it *properly* and everything would *match*.  I also made sure the towels matched, before we got our current bath sheets.

I had my knick-knacks arranged *just so* and my books were in some sort of order.  It really bugged me when the stepdaughter borrowed several of my DS books, then promptly lost them when she couldn't afford her storage locker any longer.  I'm looking forward to the day when I can put my entire book collection on shelves and replace the ones I know are missing.

But since we've been down here, all that seems minor.  It drives me crazy when the kids put back the dishes *out of order*, same with the tupperware/gladware storage containers.  Can't they follow a freaking PATTERN?

Toilet Paper:  I like the rolls to be stacked a certain way, and yes, if the right-hand one has been taken off instead of the left, I'll slide the left one over.

Dishes Washed:  I like them done in this order:  Cups, silverware, plates/bowls, then pots and pans.  My huibby does plates first and silverware last.  So I grit my teeth if he's washing and I'm drying.  So I do them the majority of the time.

Bath Towels:  We have the grandkids staying with us for the summer, and I assigned each a set of towels.  Granddaughter uses hers, no problem.  But I KNOW grandson has showered/bathed, and his towel still hangs there, unused.  I find the bath sheets of other family members down the laundry chute or in the basket, and I KNOW that person hadn't showered yet.  Another issue I find is when my older son comes home to shower.  He seems to do it 50% of the time just as I've thrown his bath sheet into the washer or dryer.  So he uses his old one, that is half the size.  Not really a problem, but it bugs me.  Why?  I'm not sure.

Cups Used:  This one usually only crops up in the summer, when I have multiple kids in my home.  I assign each one their own SOLO cup, with names written on them.  That prevents kids from not knowing which cup they've used and getting out another.  One day every damn glass in my cabinet showed up on the sink counter after dinner.  Why?  There aren't that many people in the house!  Turned out the oldest grandkids kept 'forgetting' what color cup they had, so got out a new one.  GRRRRRRR........

Sugar Packets:  I figured out how many Sweet-n-Lows it took for us each morning, so I set out the appropriate amount, and it bugs me when someone else throws down a handful.

My closet is sort of color-coordinated, and I have everything arranged *just so*.

My kids laugh at me when I text, because I use correct spellings, unless I'm in a hurry to get it sent.  And another thing that drives me crazy is when a certain author responds on FB with 'text-speak'.  "Ur welcome'-ugh!  Can't you type 'you're'?

So what's the verdict?  Do I have a mild form, or is this just my psyche's way of maintaining order in my current chaotic household?